Over the course of the retreat I watched him. I saw in him what I wanted to be; what I desired to pass on. God allowed me to capture in my memory a video clip of a real Man of God in action. That moving picture plays yet in the corners of my heart. I still see him moving among those he loved and led. Every touch of his carried with it all the graces of a genuine gentleman. He did this with comfortable ease. The eyes of his Mentees, the pastors he served, beamed their love and respect for him. His confident, ear to ear smile charmed us all. I’ve rarely met or been with a pastor whose essence so powerfully moved me to emulate him. I thank God for Robert Frederich.

The pastors in my early days and young adulthood were not like Robert Frederich. Some I’ve ministered with over the years have been his antithesis. These pastors were distant, angry, arrogant and harsh. Some could skillfully teach the Bible but they suffered the little children to run from them. They were honored and even sought out because of their extensive Biblical knowledge but grace, compassion and winsomeness eluded them. They preached the good news of the gospel but their personal presence was often bad news. They used fear and finely honed manipulation to lead us. As we followed them we found it necessary to try to respect the office of the pastor instead of the person himself. Only their words represented the Father well. Their lives misrepresented the Father. Though I no longer seek to emulate these men, they left their marks on my life too.

When I think about what kind of legacy I will leave, it is clear to me yet that I have lots of work to do. The real me is not always as gracious, winsome, confident and authentic as I want to be. Too often I’m more like the defective pastoral models in my life than like Robert Frederich. I have no idea if Robert Frederich was a good Bible teacher. Not once did I hear him speak. I don’t know if he ever wrote any published pieces. It doesn’t matter to me. Tucked away in my memory are the more valuable moving pictures of the kind of person/pastor I aspire to be. Robert Frederich gave me this. He lived right in front of me what Jesus wants me to be. We all leave legacies even if by default. Do you know a Robert Frederich? Do you have a good picture of what you would like to be? Are you clear about what you need to change to leave the legacy you wish to leave? Are you becoming the legacy you would like to leave?

As you think about leaving a legacy I encourage you to think about finishing well. Quality legacies are often built toward the ends of our lives. The way we live in our latter weeks, months and years tends to overshadow our earlier years. Many are remembered most because of the way they lived and fought so fearlessly and courageously during their terminal illnesses. Some leaders’ legacies are marred and muddied in their later days. Coach Joe Paterno whose legendary legacy of winning is now being measured against his poor handling of more consequential matters which occurred on his watch in the last decade of his life.

Whenever I think of death, dying and legacy leaving I think of an acquaintance, Robert Ringer, who turned an old adage on its head in his book Million Dollar Habits. He said, “Forget about this being the first day of the rest of your life, this may be the last day of your life.” Use today to build the legacy you wish to leave.

Keith spoke at one of our conferences which was miserably attended. It was our first foray to the East Coast. We hosted the conference in a nice Boston hotel. As the conference concluded we realized we were broke. We could not pay the speakers who had travelled from across the country or the $30,000.00 hotel bill. It was my lot to explain to Keith and other speakers we could not pay their honorarium or even their expenses. Red faced, apologetic and struggling with deep insecurity and anxiety I told each speaker we could not pay them but would pay them as soon as we were able.

Keith’s reaction was to reassure me he understood. Without shaming me in any way he told me to pay him last. He took the time to personally encourage me. Then he hugged me. That is not all. When I returned to our Los Angeles offices with my tail between my legs wondering how we would ever pay what we owed, waiting on my desk was a donation from Keith Miller. Unbelievable! In recent years he and Andrea have supported our ministry to struggling pastors and their families. Thanks, Father for this gracious friend.

Besides being a sought after speaker, Keith and later, Keith and Andrea, wrote life changing Christian books. Keith’s first book, voted one of 100 books which changed the 20^th century, has sold more than 2 million copies. This book, A Taste of New Wine, introduced the world to a heart of candor and to the refreshing new insights Keith courageously espoused. When almost no Christian Leader expressed openly his negative feelings to God, Keith blazed the trail for us to actually tell God the truth God already knew about us. This first book from Keith guides us to be authentic with God and each other. For me, personally, Keith left a legacy of genteel grace. Professionally I see him most as warroir for authenticity. He battled to be real and inspired us to be the same. His writing legacy is still with us. Thank God! You will find resources from the lips and pen of Keith here. At this link you will also find a 2 minute and 36 second sample of Keith’s refreshing speaking in which he urges us to be real instead of religious. It is classic Keith.

I could write endlessly regarding Keith’s books, his speaking and his life. Keith touched me, gave me priceless insight and fortified me to tell the truth. With unabashed courage Keith consistently just put his life and struggles out there. He lived out loud like no one I have ever met. Rather than writing more I invite you to read his Christmas Eve thoughts. This blog is on his and Andrea’s web site. It is titled, Christmas Eve. It will surprise you with its openness and warm your heart anew. Enjoy it by clicking here. One of the last pieces from Keith’s sharp pen is titled The Worst of Times and The Best of Times. It follows as it flowed from his heart. The quotes at the end were chosen by him or Andrea. 

New Year 2012

My pitiful little self-centered mind is about half taken up with what my uncle called “the big C” (or malignant cancer) which is (though I have only seen evidence of it) pretty well eating away on my vital organs as you read this.

When I say it is the “best of times,” I’m referring to the fact that I’m clearer in my mind about the way I want to live and relate to those I know and love and whom God has put in my life.

This is the first time I could not negotiate any way out of my problem (cancer-ridden state). But I can still surrender each day—and sometimes each hour—to God and to loving His people—meaning the rest of you.

Although I have lived a larger-than-life life I am excited about the future. And I’m beginning to learn to share with people about the possibilities in their lives to use the creative potential in them.

Some days I am very sad about the terminal aspects of my illness, but I’m also very thankful for the eighty-four years of amazing life I’ve already been fortunate enough to live. Getting here on New Year’s Eve of 2011, I’m grateful for God’s resounding message about loving us (and the fact that so many of his people are living lives of self-limiting love) and for the fact that some days I am beginning to see that I can give and receive love from the God Jesus called Father and from his people who wander into our house to speak of love and gratitude to God.

Right now I’m peaceful. And I have a heart full of love for God, for those of you who are reading this as I wish you a glorious and peaceful new year in 2012.

Love from Andrea and me,

Keith

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – (Phil. 4:7) The Message

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. – Mother Teresa

Without my wool cap the accident could have been worse, even fatal. I’m back in the saddle now as my cowboy friends would say. I’m in the office daily, writing, mentoring and consulting. But, I yet feel vulnerable in ways I haven’t previously experienced. I’ve aged. I feel a keener sense of fragile mortality. I also feel grateful, blessed. During my recovery there were dark times when I told the Lord I did not want to be alive if I was going to be so helpless. He is answering this prayer by renewing my health. But, I think about death more now. These thoughts are not entirely new.

For years, my dear daughters have given me a hard time about my death thoughts. They think I’m being morbid. None the less here I am asking you to think about dying as well. Why think about dying? Because you will likely live better, die better and leave a better legacy when you do. We have a limited number of days. Life on this earth is fleeting, finite, vapor thin. Thinking about this helps us think about living fully. Thinking death thoughts inspire us to be present in the moment, to enjoy the beauty in every day, to invest in those we touch, to enjoy the touch and love of others, to ask ourselves why we do what we do, to contemplate the will of God and to sharpen our focus on the legacy we will leave in the hearts of others.

Last week I was thinking about all this while reading a letter Pastor Robert Frederich’s son John wrote to me and others about Robert’s passing. Robert Frederich’s life marked mine. I wrote an article about him, Emulating a Ministry Legacy, to place on our web site. Click here to read it. Before I could get this article posted on-line I received notice Keith Miller, a nationally known author/speaker had taken flight for heaven’s shore. He also touched my life deeply. I wrote another web site article about Keith, Memories of a Genteel Warrior. Click here to read it. These men left ministry legacies worth celebrating! Oh, my. Death, dying and legacy. As gently as I am able to say it, you gonna die. Yes, me too. As you use up each numbered day, I urge you to live in such a way you can celebrate your legacy before you die. Others will celebrate it later.

Please comment on any of these articles. We enjoy interacting with you.

We need you, whoever you are, inside or outside the professional ministry to think prayerfully, creatively and specifically about how to meaningfully touch the lives of Christian Leaders and their families. The next step is easy. Share your thoughts with us. Help us brainstorm. You may start as simply as asking yourself, “If I were _____________ this would make me feel better, refresh me, allow me to feel cared for, make me think I am special and leave me feeling like I matter.” If you are the child or spouse of a Christian Leader tell us what you need. If you are a Christian Leader please share simple, concrete ways we can touch your life and heart.!

Enter your suggestions for ministering to the children, spouse, or Christian Leader in the comment box below.

As a busy ADD Minister of the Gospel I find the nature of time quite frustrating. It is finite. There is so much to do. No matter how hard I milk a day for more minutes I only get 1440. Don’t waste a minute calculating this number–I’ve already wasted too many minutes doing it three times. We only get 1440 minutes a day. But, life, like time is also finite. At my current life stage, I experience a fairly constant conscious mixing of aging with time’s finite nature. This leaves me feeling cramped, bound. I am ever more aware of my life, my time passing away. It is beginning to get personal. So, please, don’t ask me to do one more time/life consuming thing. 

The heart heavy pressure of fleeting, fleeing time/life is inescapably with me. I usually cringe when someone suggests there is one more thing I should do. I have learned to ignore most of these suggestions. I know I cannot do what everyone says I should do. So, even if you ask, I may not spend time doing what you think I should. 

But, recently, a general newsletter sent to thousands suggested there was an activity I should spend my life and time doing. The author of the newsletter even suggested I could not delegate this activity. I came face to face with some-one’s should I could not avoid or delegate. I did not even cringe. I adopted his suggestion as mine and share it with you. The newsletter came from the keyboard of Marshal Shelly, the Editor in Chief of Leadership. Want to know why I listened to Marshal without trying to avoid his time/life consuming suggestion? 

 Mr. Shelley and I were at a small gathering or Christian Leaders two or three years ago. The second morning of the meeting I wandered wearily into the motel coffee shop to sample the breakfast offerings. Having spoken the night before my soul was troubled with the familiar shame attack stuff. Inside I was telling myself what I should have said and what I should not have said. I felt pangs of shame because I was realizing I had spoken too plainly; been to self-revealing. I had not been professional enough. I should have been less forceful. These self-loathing thoughts swirled in my interior as I looked for a breakfast booth. Suddenly, Marshall, already seated, waved inviting me to join him for breakfast. I sat down. He thanked me for what I had said the night before, spoke of his own journey and told me of the Arizona adventure he anticipated at the end of the week with his teen age son. He talked, asked questions, listened. He just plain treated me like peer. 

Since then his newsletters regularly cross my desk. I always gladly use minutes of my finite time to read them. I find these newsletters a profitable use of my time and life. Because of my personal experience of Marshall the man and my regular interaction with his pen I have come to trust Marshall Shelly. Because I trust him I believe his suggestion is so completely worthy of my time and yours I pass it on to you.  Here is part of his email newsletter. 

Hello Friends,

There’s one task no leader can delegate. And that’s to make sure you continue learning. Only you can attend to your ongoing development spiritually and professionally. 

That’s why Leadership created The Golden Canon, the year’s most valuable books for church leaders. Anyone who’s gone to seminary knows that Canon means “list,” and our list of winners was selected by a diverse group, our contributing editors, who chose the best in two categories: (1) The Leader’s Inner Life and (2) The Leader’s Outer Life. 

The finalists are announced here. We commend this list to you to continue to develop your leadership, inside and out. I just finished reading the top choice in the Inner Life category, and I must admit, I’m challenged and moved by the theologically-informed life of obedience in that biography. 

Grace, strength, and joy,

Marshall Shelley

As I reviewed the Golden Cannon, I went immediately to the books on the Leader’s Inner Life. I was stunned. I had not read one of them. Sara and I listened to a Focus on the Family presentation on Bonhoeffer’s life but I’ve never read his biography. Amazon here I come. I’ve recently reread Brother Andrew’s Practicing the Presence of God and am currently reading The Imitation of Christ by Thomas A Kempis. I cannot believe how much I find myself loving these classics. But, Marshal has encouraged me to more fully accept the responsibility for my own education. I cannot delegate this. It is a great way to spend my time and my life.

If you have not taken our poll on the reading habits of Ministry Professionals I invite you to do so.

Mary’s pregnancy could only be explained by assuming she had been unfaithful to him. The consequences were horrendous for such unfaithfulness. The Egyptians of Joseph’s day cut off adulteresses noses. Persians cut off both their ears and noses. In Judea, the more severe consequence was death. Despite Joseph’s deep disappointment, dashed dreams and broken heart stirring him to act quickly; he waited. Instead of immediately giving Mary what she deserved he looked for a way to be grace-full so Mary would not be dis-graced. He did not want to hurt Mary even though she had betrayed him in the worst way.

While he was trying to figure a way out, a grace way, God showed up. Whew! In a dream Joseph was told the child Mary was going to birth was the long awaited Messiah. He was told the pregnancy was Spirit conceived not the result of some dark, shameful liaison. He was also told to name the child Jesus meaning “God Saves.” Joseph waited; God saved.

Recovery requires grace. To heal we need the grace of God, we need to give grace to others, we need to receive grace from others and we need to give ourselves grace. God provides a way to be gracious if we want the best even for those who hurt us and we are willing to wait. Heroes do what is best for those they love. Heroes appropriately carry their own pain to diminish the pain of others. Heroes wait on God instead of acting on impulse. Heroes do not diminish what is real but trust God to be the ultimate reality. Heroes look for another way out when there is no apparent way out. Not much is recorded about this noble man Joseph but there is enough for me to know I long to be like him.

Every human has secret struggles. Every pastor is human. According to a recent on-line CRN poll, only 3 pastors out of a group of 76 use accountability groups to share their secret struggles. So, who listens to pastors, hearts? Who takes care of the remaining 96%? Spouses, counselors and friends hear the secrets of 28% of those taking the poll. A breakdown indicates 12% told spouses, 9% told counselors and 7 % told friends. The rest? Sixty four percent say they have no one with whom they share their secrets. Exactly twice as many ministry professionals tell no one their secrets as told anyone their secrets.

Knowing Christian Leaders are struggling secretly without sharing these secrets is sobering. “We are as sick as our secrets.” Says the recovery proverb. Potentially the vast majority of ministry professionals are on the path from secret struggles to secret sins to public falls and failures. What can be done? If you read books on the personal lives of pastors you will discover most of these books recommend accountability groups to solve this problem. The solution used the least by ministry professionals is considered the best. No wonder the Church is dysfunctioning so dramatically. I do not believe creating more accountability groups and compelling clergy to meet in them is an effective strategy. Campaigning for this kind of accountability is more likely to be destructive than useful.

Many of those who contact the Clergy Recovery Network for help when their secrets evolve into out of control sins already have accountability groups. A pastor or missionary who is able to lie to his wife is able to lie to an accountability group. Fear and shame motivate pastors to hide their secret sins. Family and career are on the line. One such pastor sought help from CRN. When I discovered he had an accountability group, I asked what he told them about his daily Internet porn use. He replied, “I told them I have wrestled more than usual lately with my thought life. We prayed about it and went home.”

I do not believe asking more specific questions or asking as the last question, “Have you lied to us about any of the previous questions?” will improve matters. Having hall monitors for Christian Leaders does not work. Skillful probing tends to result in skillful denial. When groups are established to hold pastors accountable, these groups are seldom, if ever able to provide the essential elements of trust, shared struggles, empathy, absolute confidentiality, camaraderie and heart to heart honesty which promote open sharing and actually help clergy in their struggles. Too often no matter how we dress up such groups they come off like they are checking on the pastor to be sure he does not have struggles instead of supporting him in his struggles.

When groups are created as described above, they can even be destructive. Churches and Boards erroneously conclude their leaders, because they are in an accountability group, are doing just fine. Other measures which could be more helpful are not considered or pursued. Faulty assumptions based on secrets kept are made about the spiritual, emotional and family health of the leader. Pastors who do not feel safe to share honestly with such groups learn to lie or stretch the truth. Telling the truth to such a group would be too threatening as is evidenced by 96% of CRN poll respondents not telling their struggles to such groups.

An additional complication with these groups exists. Almost no pastor is comfortable to share his heart in such a group but saying so is almost impossible when his Board, trying their best to be helpful, establishes such a group. If a pastor had the courage to say, “I don’t find this kind of group safe and I don’t wish to participate” he would be viewed as having something terrible to hide. The Church and its leaders would be better off to recognize this approach is faulty and find healthier, more creative means of aiding their pastors’ with their personal lives.

What works better than accountability groups?

The truth? Becoming aggressive and creative in caring for Christian leaders has not been a high priority in most ministries. Denial blinds us and doing nothing and maintaining status quo is easier than thinking outside the box to help create quality environments where ministry professionals can develop healthy relationships of trust, honesty, grace and sharing. Ministry professionals are not necessarily even able or motivated to build such relationships naturally. Many need help with relationship basics. Answering the call of God does not make anyone immune to family of origin dysfunction, prepare anyone to manage competing and complex demands on family life or to deal effectively with personal struggles.

Courageous and innovative lay and clergy leaders must establish new models of functional relationships which are supportive in nature. Rather than it being okay for Christian leaders to be friendless, isolated and lonely without enough time for their spouses, we must find ways to challenge this status quo. We need to discover new and better ways of handling secret struggles, human needs and intimate relationships. Establishing a group for ministerial accountability is easy. Creating healthy environments which invite vulnerability is difficult.

Only 22% of pastors have meaningful same sex friendships. Spouse complaints about ministry husbands not being home are legendary. Easy fixes do not exist. Deep and systemic change in Church and ministry culture is required. We must create safe and nurturing environments for quality relationships to blossom and we must provide ministry staff the time and money to engage in such relationships. Secrets surface in safe and inviting relationships. Before you read some ideas of mine please know to stimulate your thinking and create some interaction on this important issue, CRN will be sending a free book to the person with the simplest and most creative comment on this issue. The book is Rooted In God’s Love. Here are some suggestions which may head us in right direction:

• Attend recovery groups like CODA and invite your church and ministry friends to go with you.
• Encouraging ministry professionals among us to develop friendships with Christian leaders in other denominations or ministries. Cross denominational quality relationships are more likely to be safe places for our struggles.
  • These relationships are more often perceived as safe when confidentiality is important.
  • These relationships are not as filled with competition and in-house rivalry.
• Funding cross denominational peer relationship building among ministry staff.
• Provide money as a matter of graceful care for the ministry professional and his spouse to see a Christian counselor without any strings attached (including having to report the reason for seeing the counselor). Normal expectations, complexities, competing priorities, relationship blind spots are all intensified by ministry demands.
• Pursue and nurture the longings and well being of ministry spouses. Paying attention to what is really going on requires providing safe settings for ministry spouses to be heard, understood and heeded.
• Encouraging the mentoring of ministry personnel by qualified mentors who are attuned to relationship issues and are able to delve below surface issues.
• Secrets which surround Internet use are easily addressed by graceful computer monitoring policies.
• Understanding and addressing the issues which surround holidays with extended families, adult children married or in college, and losses like deaths, divorces, business failures of family members is critical. Pastors’ hearts hurt too. Unattended losses foster secret acting out.
• Ministry families do not have the option of normal Sabbath and weekend rhythms. Sundays out of the pulpit and away from the ministry load to do whatever the family chooses at least once a quarter create relationship check points which constantly staying in the saddle does not provide.

Thinking conceptually regarding this issue is easier than being concrete and specific. Honestly, in some ways I can see the big picture but I am grabbing at straws. My life and ministry when I served in local churches was fraught with my dysfunction. Some of the things I suggest above we practiced. Time off each quarter, attending recovery groups, getting help from counselors and having a limited number of peer relationships are among those we practiced. Help! If you are a lay or ministry person we want to hear your heart. If you disagree with this article, let us know. Comment, think, pray, and be creative with your guidance and ideas. What do you suggest? Would you rather just have accountability group meetings? What actually works for you? What do you think might work? Will anything work? Take a stab at that free book! Make a suggestion now.

At the time, my private life and public persona were beginning to merge. My secrets had been discovered. My self deception was ending. The appearances I managed so carefully were cracking like the cheap veneer on a dresser at Good Will. It felt like my soul’s fabric was held together by only a thread. God used Gordon MacDonald that afternoon to do some mending.

As I continued to mend, I was furious when I hit the walls of secrecy at church. In recovery meetings everyone told the truth. At church keeping our secrets seemed safer than telling the truth. Once I recognized my previous participation in such secrecy and gathered bits of grace on my recovery journey, I became less angry but the dysfunction of our secrecy still troubles me deeply. Recently I visited Christianity Today’s web site and discovered God was once again touching my life through Gordon MacDonald. His article, The Secret Driven Life, speaks succinctly to my frustration with the Church’s aversioin to truth telling.

I invite you to read The Secret Driven Life posted on LeadershipJournal.net  in its entirety by clicking here. Then, please return to share your heart and your views. If you are a Ministry Professional or spouse of one please take the current poll on the right regarding leaders and secrecy. The following is a brief excerpt from the article:

I was reminded of churches where people are nice, reasonably polite, and cooperative. But with some regularity, one learns that underneath this appearance of religious composure, this person or that one is hurting terribly: firings, divorces, personal failures, doubt, addictions, sexual identity issues … the list is long. But no one speaks: neither the person in trouble nor the ones who know of the trouble. Why? Because that would threaten the fantasy that everyone’s fine. This kind of church culture starts with the idea that everyone is presumed fine until they prove differently.

• For grants for funding to be written, submitted and funded to allow CRN to launch 2 to 4 satellite offices by the end of 2010.
• For 64 of the 196 units of Courageous Journey, the mentoring manual to be written by Apr. 30, 2010.
• For all of the training materials to train Pastoral Mentors to be finished by May 30, 2010.
• For God’s supply of His specifically qualified people to lead CRN satellites and for our first Mentor Training event together to be held no later than June 30, 2010.
• For God to stabilize CRN’s and Wolery’s support and supply as never before.
• For God to continue to build me (Dale) to be the man He wants. For me to respond to the inner work of God to enable me to be all of the person, husband, father, leader of CRN, mentor and friend I am able to be.
• For God to bless and strengthen Sara as she shoulders increasing CRN responsibilities and uses her organizational skills to support the writing and expansion of the ministry.
• For God to meet the urgent and ever expanding needs of hurting clergy who need the healing of God’s touch through CRN.

 Thanks! Blessed New Year to You!

 Dale W

• Blogging: We urge you to join our blogging community. Blogging happens in our featured article below, when you comment on any of the articles on the right or when you blog on one of the articles listed under the ARTICLES BY TOPIC section. New to blogging? Click here here. Iron sharpens iron. Create some sparks if you wish.
• Polling: Wondering what is occurring with your peers? Take our latest poll (lower right) if you are a ministry professional or spouse. View and comment on previous polls and their results by clicking on Poll Archives.
• Anonymous Recovery Groups: CRN currently offers two private forums for pastors and their spouses. Click here to learn about them.

We welcome you to our site. We welcome you to our hearts. Make yourself at home!

Please pray with us regarding specific objectives in 2010. Here are the details.